A letter to dad

I'm struggling......I don't even know if this should be published. This is all very personal to me. I keep a lot of these feelings deep inside and I don't like to talk about them. I can't deal with them on a daily basis. This blog has become an online journal for myself and for Isla to look back on one day. SO here it goes.....

Has it really been 8 years? It seems like yesterday you were here but at the same time I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve heard your voice, your laugh. I was just a girl who lost her dad and lost herself at the same time. It was horrible watching you die and it’s something I don’t like to think about. I had to let it go years ago so that I could lead a normal life. Sometimes I feel so far from normal. You were dealt a bad hand….I would look at pictures of you holding me as a baby and think “He never saw this coming!” “Whoever thinks they will die at 49.” I remember it all like yesterday the day we found out, the day we almost lost you on the operating table. The day we had our last words, hugs and eye contact. The day you slipped away. I locked myself in the bathroom that morning.  I remember thinking “I didn’t want to deal with it, why should I?” Why should I have to give the eulogy at my daddy’s funeral? “Why should I not curse god?” I believed there was no way he was watching out for us. Why would god take my dad, mom, grandma, great grandma? Why would god take every piece of my family away in a 3 short years? I was a good person and didn’t deserve to have my entire family gone at 22 years of age. You were a good person who didn’t deserve to die the way you did. I remember struggling to write a eulogy, I remember the funeral, the flowers, and the love I was shown. I remember the depression and trying to pick myself up off the ground. I remember Alex by my side the entire time.  

I had to move on and live a life my dad would be proud of. I had to show him he raised a strong woman. I remember writing in that eulogy that I would never forget you and that I would think of you every single day of my life and I’ve kept my promise. Not a day goes by that I don’t ache for you. I want Isla to know you. I see you in Isla. You would have been over the moon in love with her. I would have become the second most important girl in your life and that would have been fine by me. I struggle and my heart breaks. I’d do anything to get you back even if it were just one day.

Strong, stubborn, loving, caring and loyal. You were my hero, you are my hero. You fought as hard as science would allow you to fight. You told me at the end that you would always be beside me and I hold on to that. I hold on to that tight. I miss you more than I can express. July 28^th is always a hard day for me, it’s the day that I’m forced to remember the day my daddy died. The day I watched you die. It’s always a sad day filled with tears. This year I will hug my baby girl tight and know you’re part of the reason she is here. I will hug her tight today and feel so lucky to be alive. I will feel so blessed to be given the family that I have. I will always love you, I will always miss you and I will always try to make you proud daddy.